goodbye for good...

It has now been six months since I gave up watching television. DIRECTV called and told me that the six-month hold I placed on my account had come to an end. They informed me that they would be turning my service back on unless I called them and told them otherwise. For a moment, I hesitated. Luckily, the moment was brief. They are sending me large boxes so I can return my receivers and remotes. It's over. The trial separation has become a divorce, but an amiable one where neither party has to fight over whose copy of Catcher in the Rye has the dog-eared pages and smudged cover. Of course, I still watch DVDs occasionally, and I'm contractually obligated to watch The Office on Hulu.com, but whatever. I don't think TV is evil, it's just like...Valium. And I mean, sure, I like a good slanty-eyed buzz as much as the next person, but it's honestly just not worth it. Let's do some math. Yaaaaaaaaaay, math! Even though I can't imagine an accurate figure, let's say that I've watched an hour of television every day my entire life. Some days I probably watched three or four hours, but similarly I'm sure there were weeks I went without turning the blasted tube on -- so this is a total guesstimate. If you add up an hour a day for 29 years, you get 441 days. Full days. 24-hour days. That's not quite a year and a half. That's a lot of television. Frankly, it's enough television to make me ill. So yeah, I'm done. Divorced done. Whoopieeeee!

Relationshit Drama.

To use a term stolen from the wildly funny whilst irritating Dane Cook, I'm currently wrestling with various RELATIONSHITS. A relationshit is a relationship that has turned sour. In my case, I have a cluster of relationshits from which I am trying to extricate myself. I have realized that in holding onto friends from long ago who can't even be bothered to return my phone calls, I am sucking up energy that would be better spent on REAL friends, both close and distant who are worth hanging on to.

Paramount to overcoming these relatioshits is getting past my own ego, letting go of the rejection I feel because their incompetence. If they only bother with me when it's convenient for them, it doesn't mean that I'm disposable and it doesnt make them bad people, it just makes them shitty friends who don't deserve the amount of energy I'm throwing at them.

Then, it's time to grieve, as with any loss. If you don't grieve the loss, you can never let go.

At some point, I will need to set some healthy boundaries with people who drunk dial at 3am but never call sober, people who set and break phone dates repeatedly and people who only seem engaged when there is inappropriate flirting involved.

More soon!
Love,
Mandy

Prayer of St. Francis

This is my favorite prayer, just wanted to share it with everyone.

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace;

where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love;

for it is in giving that we receive,

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Gobble, Gobble.

Here are some photos from our Jordan Family Thanksgiving at the restaurant. We served just about 130 free turkey dinners, very rewarding and exhausting. I was up at 6am to make a breakfast casserole. I had procured donuts and OJ the day before. I got ready, loaded up my breakfast goodies and carted the coffeemaker to the restaurant. I arrived around 8am and spent a couple hours prepping food and hanging out with my folks and bro. Officially, we were supposed to begin serving at noon, but we wanted to be ready to plate at 11. There were enough people arriving early that we went ahead and started serving just before 11. We spent the next four hours serving and visiting with strangers. After we finished up and cleaned the kitchen, I went home to shower and nearly fell asleep. I willed myself over to CJ and Michelle's house and BOY am I glad I did. I fell in love with Wii!!! We played bowling and tennis--so much fun. I was drinking. A lot. The more I drank, the more fun I had. I was mixing Ketel One and Sunny D. A horribly tacky yet tasty concoction that my niece affectiontely named SunTinis. Too loopy to drive, I crashed at my bro's house and woke up with a wicked hangover. All-in-all, it was a successful and silly holiday.

Thoughts on a Thursday

Sometimes I catch myself staring off into space--my head is not empty, it's overflowing. It's like my capacity to function is on lockdown while the spillway clears. I think too much. There's too much in my head. There are two ways of dealing with this--distract yourself with mindless things like videos of kittens on the Internet so that you don't have to deal with the chaos in your brain OR purge the chaos in some form of release. My release is writing but I don't seem to be drawn to it lately. John has given me some therapeutical assignments to vent my anger or frustration onto paper and I have been reluctant to do them. I think I'm afraid that if I really let go, if I really say everything I want to say the way I want to say it, something bad will happen. These assignments are just for me--no one else will see them. No one else will know the things I'm venting about, and yet I have procrastinated doing them for months. I have trouble letting go. I know this. I can see it. I can point it out. And the fact that I see it, know it, admit it and still cannot let go is my biggest challenge right now. I feel so stuck. I feel like I am about to burst, always about to burst and keep everything on lockdown, wandering around like a zombie because I'm afraid of being honest. I pray for balance. I pray that I can honor myself and grow and become decisive and independent while still holding onto my considerate nature. I want to find the balance between being selfish and selfless because I know that's where peace is. I want to take care of myself more and worry about others less. I want to stop being judgemental and putting labels on things and just live and be happy. I want to stop analyzing things and thinking so much. I want to start now.

Another Quote

I love this.

"If you're really listening, if you're awake to the poignant beauty of the world, your heart breaks regularly. In fact, your heart is made to break; its purpose is to burst open again and again so that it can hold ever-more wonders." —Andrew Harvey

Taney County for Obama

Hello friends and agents of change.

If you're like me (and I know many of you are) you have good intentions, but often get caught in neutral. The next two weeks are critical in deciding the future of our country's leadership.

If you really want change, let it begin with you. Get out of neutral and start volunteering with your local Obama headquarters. There is a lot that needs to be done, including phone banks, canvassing and putting in office hours.

Taney county has two organizers, Dante and Sherri -- write back if you would like their information. The Branson headquarters is located across from the Hollywood Wax Museum in the HCW building. Office hours are from 9am to 9pm.

If you live somewhere else but want to be involved, visit the campaign website and find a local group near you: http://www.barackobama.com/index.php

Peace,
Mandy

Pumpkins and Such

Every Monday, I pick Bailey up from school and we spend the day together. Yesterday, we went out to Branson West to get pumpkins for Halloween. We went to Danna's for dinner and ate pulled-pork sandwiches before heading over to the Shepherd of the Hills Inspiration Tower. After that, we went home to paint pumpkins and eat ice cream. A lovely day, here are some photos.

Bailey Devo :)

Here's a couple of pics from last Monday with Bailey -- we just hung out at the house, made Hamburger Helper (her favorite) and Rice Krispy Treats and put up some Halloween decorations. I wasn't feeling well, so we didn't have a big outdoor adventure like the week before, but she still had a blast. She quite enjoyed my Devo hat from Meghan's costume party. I don't know what we're going to do today, I'm going to leave that up to her. I need to leave in 15 minutes to go pick her up from school, but for now, here's pics from last week.

Much Belated KC Post...

Here are the pics from Meghan's Costumed Birthday Bash in KC two weekends ago. The theme was: "Come dressed in the fashion of the year YOU were born..." I was born in 1980, so I came as Devo from the Whip It video. I won third place in the costume contest--Cassie/Madonna came in first and Kendra/Farrah Fawcett came in second. My prize was a Pound Puppy. I really wanted that Monchichi, but alas, Cassie won it. At least it rests in good monkey-lovin' hands. Enjoy!

Honey, I Was Just a Kid...

Bubblegum on my shoe.

Up late listening to Ryan Adams, pouting because I have gorgeous VIP 7th row tickets to his show in St. Louis tomorrow and am not going. I couldn't even sell the tickets, so they are simply going to waste. Money is tight and I can't afford to drive to St. Louis and back right now, so I figure it's better to waste $70 than spend cash I don't have on gas and meals.

Damn, Sam.

It's probably all for the best because Ryan Adams makes me weepy and nostalgic for people who don't exist anymore. His music is so sad. I should probably stop listening, but I'm a glutton for punishment and harmonicas.

On his album HEARTBREAKER, there are four consecutive songs that might be my favorite four consecutive songs on any album ever.

They are:
Track7--Call Me On Your Way Back Home
Track8--Damn, Sam (I Love A Woman That Rains)
Track9--Come Pick Me Up
Track10--To Be The One

Now I sort of want to drink copious amounts of wine and pass out with headphones on. This is generally not a good idea, but in the spirit of pouting, brooding and remarkably quiet tantrums, I may indulge.

I think I'm going to listen to all the albums in chronological order. Just the full-lengths. Not including the Whiskeytown stuff, EPs or B-sides. Just Heartbreaker, Gold, Demolition, Rock & Roll, Love Is Hell, Cold Roses, Jacksonville City Nights, 29 and Easy Tiger. But that's like, nine hours of listening, so perhaps I will start tonight and continue it tomorrow during the day. I mean, it's not like I'd say up all night obsessing if I let myself. Not at all. Because that's totally crazy. Yeah. Crazy. Really crazy. Don't do that.

Maternal Instinct (with Cool Aunt Attitude)

I was washing dishes this afternoon, watching through the kitchen window as a gaggle of smallish boys rode their bikes up and down my driveway. I have an awesome driveway launch, it's steep but safe. Mostly. I looked down to rinse a dish, looked up and saw one of them laid out flat on his back in the middle of the street. In what seemed like a millisecond, I had dropped my dish, left the water running and was in the street assisting. I was strangely calm and knew what to check before trying to move him. Little Grant had wiped out hard, but nothing was broken. Cuts and bruises and shaky nerves. He was crying a little, but I picked him up and set him straight. I grabbed him by both shoulders, shook him a little and said, "Look at you, you're going to have the most awesome bruises tomorrow and you'll get to show all your friends at school!" He smiled, a friend brought him his bike and then they were gone.

Marvelous Monday #1

I started a new tradition with my niece today. Every Monday, I plan to pick her up from school and spend the rest of the day with her. Today was our first Monday, and it was four hours of FANTASTIC!

First, we went to play Pirate Golf (putt-putt) and then had dinner at Sushi House (she had miso soup and tamago with rice, I had miso soup, tea and a California roll).

Then we went back to my neck of the woods, and I took her to see the Sycamore Log Church which was built in 1933. We signed our names in the guest book and she noticed that the piano wasn't dusty at all, so they must still use it during services.

Afterward, we drove further down the road and saw a snake, so we stopped to look at it (from the car, of course). About a hundred yards after that, we saw a tarantula crossing the road, so we got out to see it up close.

We ended up at the Ruth & Paul Henning Conservation area and waded in the stream. I taught her how to skip stones and now she's a pro. We collected some cool looking rocks, saw minnows, crawdads, water gliders, spiders and a sleeping bumblebee. She found a broken branch that served as an excellent walking stick, and we saved it to use during our next exploration.

We plan to hike the Homesteaders Trail (a 3 mile loop) at some point, but maybe on a Saturday when we can get going early. On the drive back to my house, we saw a herd of white-tailed deer! It was a day full of critters.

Then we took Lola for a little walk and went to the park in my neighborhood where Bailey played on the monkey-bars and successfully avoided playing with a strange little boy with a rash. All-in-all, our day was a huge success! My favorite quote of hers was, "This is the best day ever, I don't want it to end!" Score!

Desert Island Picks for Those Who Harbor Gypsy Fantasies

Every now and again, I have the 'jump in my car and escape into the great beyond and never look back' fantasy. Don't freak out, it's only a fantasy.

In reality, I am enmeshed with a wonderful family, I have a good job, a house with a fixed low mortgage, my car is paid off and I have a moderate amount of credit card debt for someone my age (somewhat comparatively).

In the fantasy, I do not think about my family, my job, my house or my debt; there is no currency in this fantasy world, either that or I am independently wealthy. In the dream, I own a camper. In the dream, Lola is a trained dog who doesn't need to walk on a leash.

We travel around North America in the camper, meeting people. I write. I sing. I busk on corners with my guitar (which, in the fantasy, I can play like a dream--pun totally intended). I document everything with a camera and a digital audio recorder. Maybe video, too.

Back in college, Taylor and I had this grand idea to fill a bus with artists, musicians, writers, filmmakers and photographers, travel around the country documenting beauty and life and wild experience like the Merry Pranksters. The end result would be a multi-media compilation of awesomeness that would make us rich and famous. While that would be cool, too, my current fantasy consists of just me and Lola.

If loyalty to family, home ownership and working for a living were no longer issues I had to deal with, these are the things I would gather (quickly) in a mad dash to the car before making my escape:

Lola
Wallet
Passport & birth certificate
Address book
Cell phone
Crucifix from childhood
Three changes of clothes
Toiletry kit
Dr. Martins
Sleeping bag & pillow
Journal
No more than 5 awesome books that struck me at the moment
Cameras
Guitar
iPod & headphones
Laptop
Photo Albums
My jewelry

Looking at it, these are probably the same things I would grab in a fire, would there be enough time collect all of it. In a mad dash to a new adventure, what would you grab? Post responses in a reply!

Another New Song

Now I can play 'Midnight Radio' from Hedwig and the Angry Inch!
It's structured Am F C G7 Am, then F C over and over, then F Am Dm G F C for the chorus. There's a funny E thrown in at the end of the last chorus before a funny Fm C bit at the end which resolves like a dream. I can only get 3 strings in the Fm, but it sounds OK anyway. My fingers are sore. Here's a vid of the song (the last scene of the movie--WARNING, there's a bit of nudity at the end that only makes sense if you know the story).

Fall Becomes Winter, Winter Becomes Christmas!

So, I may be a little bit ahead of myself, but I think that's a good thing. Usually, Christmas rolls around and I haven't had a chance to plan or think or SAVE. This year, though, I have a little hoard of cash already tucked away, enough for all my holiday spending. I feel proud. I feel like an adult.

Yesterday, though, our family came to a decision of sorts. Given the current economic state of our country and seeing as people all over are struggling to make ends meet, we've decided to forgo the whole gift-giving part, except for the kids. Everyone will get a present for the kids, but other than that, there will be no presents. There will be family and togetherness and several potentially garish meals and of course, the Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

It has been suggested that next year we take what we would have spent on gifts for each other and give it to charity.

It simultaneously makes my heart swell and my inner-child throw a loud and elaborate tantrum. I mean, it reeks of the true spirit of Christmas, but it's also a swift kick in the teeth to a capitalistic tradition I've been mainlining for 28 years. So while intellectually, I agree with our NEW family tradition, I'm still processing it emotionally.

And what, you might ask, will I do with all my Christmas savings? An Alaskan cruise? A fancy robot vacuum? Tap-dancing lessons? Nah. I'll probably get my carpets cleaned and use the rest to pay my Home Owner's Association dues. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!

Muuuuuuusic!

Learned how to play a new song on the guitar tonite. It's the first track of the new Conor Oberst record. It's called Cape Canaveral, and it's super easy, G Am Em C D - THAT'S IT. I always fall in love with the simplest songs. Here's a vid of him doing it live in Vancouver. I can't do the picking, but it sounds ok anyway. Now I just need to memorize all those wacky lyrics.

Notable Quotable...

I like this, maybe you do too. Enjoy!

"Life is 10% what happens and 90% of how you react to it. You cannot change your past and you cannot change the fact that people will act a certain way. The only thing you can do is play on the one string you have, and that is your attitude. Your attitude is more important than the past, more important than education, money, life circumstances, more important than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. Attitude will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is that you have the choice everyday regarding the attitude you choose to embrace.”

~ Charles R. Swindoll

Music Friday!

This edition of MF is a tribute to the lovely and talented Regina Spektor. Enjoy!

Reading and Coincidence...

So, right now I am finishing up The Celestine Prophecy, a novel about coincidence and insight, and how people and ideas present themselves in your life for a reason and the exact right and perfect moment. I started reading this book because it had been recommended to me several times over the years, and several times recently, which I took as a sign. Now, I am obsessed with signs and how coincidence is not really coincidence at all. Here is an example:

During a party on July 4th, I had a conversation with a stranger about books, and we came to discuss Tom Robbins. I mentioned that the only book of his I own is Still Life with Woodpecker which I received at a book-swap years ago and have yet to read. She said that her favorite was Jitterbug Perfume. I made a promise to myself to find this book. I went to the library and it is not in circulation in my area, so I let it go and moved on to reading other things. In the last several weeks, I've had not two or three but FOUR dear friends mention this book in passing and I was DETERMINED to read it. I got on Amazon a couple days ago and purchased a used copy which should arrive any day now. TODAY, I opened and read my horoscope which reads:

"AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): In addition to food, air, water, sleep, and
love, every human being needs stories. No one can psychically survive
without the continuous flow of narrative through his or her imagination.
And just as there is a big difference between the physical nourishment
provided by a salad or by a candy bar, so is there a wide range of quality
in the stories you expose yourself to. Soaking up the adventures of über-
playboy Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends on the TV show "The Girls
Next Door" will probably deplete your energy and lower your intelligence,
while reading Tom Robbins' novel *Jitterbug Perfume* may enhance your
mental hygiene and sharpen your perceptions. What I'm saying here is
always true, of course, but it's especially important for you to keep in
mind right now. From what I can tell, you're ravenous for beautiful,
uncanny, uplifting stories."

CAN. YOU. F*CKING. BELIEVE. IT???

The universe wants me to read this book and wants me to read it immediately.
I am going to devour this book as soon as it arrives, this is just too spooky.

Love,
-Mandy

Tom Robbins excerpt...

Love this. Please enjoy.
-Mandy


"If you need to visualize the soul, think of it as a cross between a wolf
howl, a photon, and a dribble of dark molasses. But what it really is, as
near as I can tell, is a packet of information. It's a program, a piece of
hyperspatial software designed explicitly to interface with the Mystery.
Not a mystery, mind you, the Mystery. The one that can never be solved.

"To one degree or another, everybody is connected to the Mystery, and
everybody secretly yearns to expand the connection. That requires
expanding the soul. These things can enlarge the soul: laughter, danger,
imagination, meditation, wild nature, passion, compassion, psychedelics,
beauty, iconoclasm, and driving around in the rain with the top down.
These things can diminish it: fear, bitterness, blandness, trendiness,
egotism, violence, corruption, ignorance, grasping, shining, and eating
ketchup on cottage cheese.

"Data in our psychic program is often nonlinear, nonhierarchical, archaic,
alive, and teeming with paradox. Simply booting up is a challenge, if not
for no other reason than that most of us find acknowledging the
unknowable and monitoring its intrusions upon the familiar and mundane
more than a little embarrassing. More immediately, by waxing soulful you
will have granted yourself the possibility of ecstatic participation in what
the ancients considered a divinely animated universe. And on a day to day
basis, folks, it doesn't get any better than that."

- Tom Robbins, *Esquire* magazine, October 1993

Music Friday--Choral Edition!

Ok, so the choral nerd in me is totally hot for Josh Groban. Props for his version of 'On Eagle's Wings' the most familiar and repellent Catholic Hymn of all time. It gets stuck in your head for weeks and you find yourself singing it in the shower like a total dork. I love his voice, though, so in asking forgiveness for my this befouling of churchly music, I shall forgive his cover. Below is a recording of the song Lullaby he did with Ladysmith Black Mambazo. I'm not sure who put all the photos of Africa together, but I found it whilst idling on YouTube and thought I would post as a resurgent edition of Music Friday! Enjoy.

Poets and Dreamers

I have a friend from high school, Bill. We shared a creative writing class together and fancied ourselves poets at 17. I always had a crush on him, and thought of him as mysterious and dark. Ten years later, he still writes poems like a fiend, and he inspires me to do the same. So here's a poem for Bill.

here we are
cursing and spitting
teetering on a tightrope
no one told us we would have to cross.

to one side we fall
sinking sad into the past
with its longing and lament
only to pull ourselves up
and over
crashing headfirst with worry
speculation and grimey, grabbing fists
to an unknown future
not yet promised to us.

when there is balance
it is not balance
but quiet anticipation
of the falling and crashing
we set ourselves up for
again and again.

this is not life,
this is a circus.

Happiness...

This is an excerpt from Elizabeth Gilbert's book, Eat, Pray, Love -- which I highly recommend to everyone and anyone. I love this bit, and I think it's a good reminder for all of us.

"...People universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. But that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't, you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to its good attainments."

Another Spider Post

So, my parents came over today to help me clean out my messy garage. It was full of Luigi's boxes and junk on the floor. We organized my shelving units, hung up tools, swept it out and generally made it awesomely clean. In the process, we found this giant Black Widow behind my wheelbarrow. Normally, I try not to kill bugs, but I have NO soft spot in my heart for spiders, especially ones with toxic venom. I had my dad smash her with a broom, and although I felt a little bad about it, I am glad she's gone. By all means, make a nest and procreate, just not in my garage, because at that point, all bets are off.

library quiet

somehow in the last god-knows-how-long i've become oblivious to how noisy life is. now that the tv is off, i find such solace in the silence. i went to the library in springfield today, and library quiet is a-whole-nother kind of quiet. it's so peaceful, especially surrounded by so many rad books. i brought home several, though there's no way i'll read them all by the time they're due back. i guess i was overeager. Anna Karenina by Tolstoy, Trust Me by Updike, To The Lighthouse by Woolf and The Rum Diary by HST. i love library books because the pages are crinkly and worn and dog-eared and smell like an old closet. i even like the noisy protective vinyl jackets, hinged with packing tape and littered with labels and barcodes. there's a feeling of solidarity knowing that hundreds of hands have held each page and turned them one by one. perhaps this is revealing too much, but i like to smooth each page softly with the palm of my hand before i read it. it's a creepy display of tenderness for an inanimate object, but whatever, it makes me happy.

now that i have all this time on my hands...

So, I got rid of my TV. I mean, it's still there, but when you turn it on, nothing happens. I can still watch DVDs, but I have liberated myself from reality shows, cable news nightmares and those godforsaken advertisements. It's only been a couple days, but I feel so much better already. I didn't really realize how infrequently I create a quiet space for myself. There is always some noise -- but now that the TV is off, I am enjoying much more silence than I did before. And while things are growing quieter (is that a word?) they are by no means completely silent. I am listening to a lot more music, and of course, making lists. Because the Mandy that everyone knows and loves would be up shit-creek without her lists. Also, as most of you know, my tastes change with the weather, so currently, here's the musical spectrum. I may look back on July of 2008 one day and say to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?" but for now, these are my faves (it's a long list, but my 'desert island' picks are at the top).

JULY 2008
Emjay’s Musical State of the Union

TOP FIVE ARTISTS (desert island):
Ryan Adams
Van Morrison
Stevie Wonder
The Beatles
Tori Amos

TOP FIVE ALBUMS (desert island):
Heartbreaker (2000) Ryan Adams
Astral Weeks (1968) Van Morrison
Stevie Wonder (1976) Songs in the Key of Life
The Beatles (1968) White Album
Tori Amos (1996) Boys for Pele

OTHER FAVORITE ARTISTS/GROUPS INCLUDE (in alphabetical order):
Aimee Mann
Ani DiFranco
Aqualung
Arcade Fire
Band of Horses
The Beach Boys
Beck
Ben Folds
Billy Joel
Bjork
BRMC
Bob Dylan
Bright Eyes
Bruce Springsteen
Calexico
Cat Power
The Clash
Coldplay
Colin Hay
Cursive
Damien Rice
DMB
David Bowie
David Gray
Death Cab for Cutie
Elliott Smith
Elvis Costello
Emmylou Harris
The Faint
Feist
Gorillaz
Guster
Howie Day
Imogen Heap
Indigo Girls
Iron & Wine
It’s Over!
James Taylor
Jane’s Addiction
Jay Clifford
Jeff Buckley
Jump, Little Children
Jeremy Enigk
Jimmy Eat World
Joanna Newsome
Joe Cocker
Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros
John Denver
John Mayer
John Vanderslice
Joni Mitchell
Jurassic 5
The Killers
Lauryn Hill
Le Tigre
Liam Finn
Live
The Long Winters
Manic Street Preachers
Marvelous 3
MC5
MGMT
M.I.A.
Modest Mouse
The Mooney Suzuki
Mountain Goats
Nat King Cole
Neko Case
New Pornographers
Nick Drake
Nikka Costa
Nina Nastasia
Nine Inch Nails
Nirvana
Oasis
Pavement
Pearl Jam
People in Planes
Pete Yorn
Pink Floyd
Pixies
PJ Harvey
The Police
Portishead
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Regina Spektor
REM
Rod Stewart
The Rolling Stones
The Roots
Rufus Wainwright
The Shins
Simon & Garfunkel
Sleater-Kinney
Sondre Lerche
Spoon
Sting
The Strokes
Sublime
Sufjan Stevens
Sunny Day Real Estate
Tom Petty
Tom Waits
Tracy Bonham
Travis
U2
Velvet Underground
Weezer
The White Stripes
Wilco
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yo La Tengo

Sophie the Panda...

So, I think my parents' new puppy, Sophie, looks like a panda. To illustrate this point, here's a comparison. Please feel free to talk to your computer screen using ridiculous baby-voices.

Save me, Jeff Daniels!

Let me set the scene. It's morning. I'm standing at my kitchen counter, lucid but groggy holding a box of Post Raisin Bran. I set down the bowl, flip open the box and start pouring my cereal. Then, like a scene from ARACHNOPHOBIA, a live spider jumps out of the bowl, onto the counter and starts darting around. I scream, immediately, like someone has severed one of my limbs, and toss the box, cereal flying EVERYWHERE. My reaction was knee-jerk and irrational. I don't stay up at night terrified of spiders, but when I encounter one, I am paralyzed by irrational fear and start screeching. Why? I'm a million times bigger than this little thing. I think it's because they move so quickly. Is that technically arachnophobia or is it just natural? My nerves are shot for the day.

PUPPY!

So, my parents are getting a puppy! Cross your fingers that everything goes well and that they can pick her up next weekend. Here's little Sophie Marie!

Nashville

So, I haven't taken so much as a weekend getaway since my birthday trip to LA, and boy do I need one. Yesterday, my friend Nate told me he had tickets to go see Eddie Izzard play at the Ryman in Nashville on June 20th. Good for him. But wait! One of the tickets is for ME...so yay for me, too! It will be good to visit with Nate, who's been a constant confidante (sp?) since high school. If you want to be real about it, though--we've known each other since middle school chorus. It's weird, because I'm at the age where I've known my closest friends for more than half my life. I've known Nate since I was 11. That's like, 17 years. Holy hell. I'm getting old. But weekend roadtrips to Nashville make me feel young, so at least there's that. Here's a clip of Eddie Izzard...I can't freakin' wait. He's one of my favorite comics.

Summer, Wellness, Life!

SOOOOOOOOO...

I'm going through my annual get-my-shit-together period -- only this time, lots of things have fallen into place in a way that makes me feel motivated in a way i've never felt before. I'm back in therapy again, and John is a really great counselor, better than all the others, or maybe i'm just finally ready to listen and accept help to correct my disfunctions. here are some things that have changed or are changing for me:

1. I have realized that taking responsibility for my own happiness is the key to everything. it's time to grow up, stop the pity party, stop thinking of myself as a spectator and victim and hold myself accountable for my own actions and inactions. it's time to own the things in my life that I have control over.

2. I have a much clearer spiritual center and I'm learning to let go of the things I have no control over. I am learning how to forgive myself and others.

3. I have decided to educate myself every day. At some point, I stopped seeing myself as a student of life and started making wild assumptions and well, guessing, about what course I should take in chaotic or foreign situations. That's dumb. I'm trying to stop making assumptions, and instead, I'm trying to quiet myself, search for wisdom and if there is none to be found, go out and find some.

4. Similarly, when I don't know how to do something well, I am going to learn how. For work, this means reading lots of books on self-leadership and marketing -- two things that are REALLY FREAKING IMPORTANT to the success of my career, and two things that I have never studied before. I realized that I'm trying to do a job that I have no background in -- I never studied marketing or management or business, so I've spent the last two years flailing around in the dark pretending like I know what I'm doing and trying to keep my head above water. That's over.

5. I am realistic about my fitness goals. The only time I enjoy exercise is when it doesn't feel like exercise. This means that from now on, instead of getting burned out at the gym because I hate it there, I'm going to do things that bring me joy and are good for me, like: yoga, hiking with my dog, swimming and dancing. I am trying to love my body exactly as it is, and realize that if I want to be healthy, than I need to embrace fitness for the sake of my health and no other reason. My goal can't be to look like women in magazines, because I will end up living a life of perpetual disappointment. If I am healthy, and my body and weight stay exactly the same for the rest of my life, I need to love myself anyway.

6. I've been toying with the idea of returning to a vegan lifestyle, but I'm not ready for it yet. In the meantime, I've cut out most meats and will move forward from there. I'm not going to be a Nazi about it, because that's no way to live.

7. I'm spending a lot more time in Springfield and am going to take classes at the Skinny Improv to develop my comedy skills and see if I enjoy it.

There's more, but I am bored with writing this so I will stop.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!

-Mandy

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the moms out there--

Crack open a box of wine and enjoy your day! Here's a photo for everyone to enjoy...my gorgeous goddess mother, Virginia Lee. I love you, momma! You're just as beautiful today.

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

Confession time. I've been stewing about it all day, and I've decided to get it off my chest. I lied a terrible lie today. It was a random, horrible lie, and I don't even know where it came from. There was no real motive behind it, it just sort of happened. A creepy man started hitting on me at the restaurant. He hits on everyone, and I knew it was coming. He was asking me a bunch of questions, one of which was, "So...what does your husband do?" -- a leading question, and I knew he was waiting for me to say, "I don't have a husband." Instead, I opened my mouth, and said, "My husband died." Immediately, I was trapped. You can't say, "Just kidding," after something like that. You can't break character. You can't really, do anything. Except follow the lie into a swirling mass of followup lies to add substance and detail to the original lie. He apologized, and asked how old he was. I said, "35. Pancreatic cancer. It was devastating." At this point, my internal organs have begun to revolt against my body, not wanting to be in the same room with me. I don't even want to be in the same room with me. He apologized again, and started telling me about a friend of his who knew a guy who had cancer. Eventually, he took his seat and didn't say another word to me. I have been sick about it all day. I don't know what the f*ck compelled me make something up so hideous, but I did, and I can't take it back, and I dread seeing this man ever again for fear that he'll bring it up, and I'll be forced to either fall back into a terrible, pointless lie or own up to a heartless concoction. Meh, gross, ick. I need a shower.

Music Friday! Guilty Pleasure Edition...

Ok, so it's sort of a guilty pleasure, because American Idol is so cheesy, but I really like Carrie Underwood and her version of this George Michael song, PRAYING FOR TIME. Check it out!

Music Friday--Bleeding Heart Liberal Edition!

So, my friend Mary posted this on her MySpace page, and I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with anyone who actually reads this thing. It's powerful and inspiring and I can't wait for November. Enjoy!



"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation. Yes we can. It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom. Yes we can. It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness. Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can. We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggest; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea -- Yes. We. Can."

general disappointment and too much food

had a bbq scheduled for tonight...prepped food for 10 guests, all of whom cancelled. even the ones who were definitely-for-sure-rsvp-yes coming with their kids. sitting alone with a soggy salad and four pounds of raw meat wondering why. i was half-tempted to go knocking on doors asking strangers to come to my lonely dinner, but instead i believe i'll chalk it up to experience and never plan for anything ever again. there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, but right now, i'm both. and it sucks and i'm angry and i think i should take Lola for a walk to clear my head before i start breaking things.

writing...

So, I'm currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I am only a couple chapters in, and I find that I'm simultaneously moved and disappointed.  Moved because it is beautiful, simple, conversational wisdom that falls in line with EVERYTHING I believe about life and spirituality, and disappointed because I feel like it's a book I could have written, in very much the same style.  I guess my disappointment lies in the fact that it's taken me 28 years to finally realize that I don't really have any original ideas and that my writing style is not only popular but commonplace.  I guess if I want to start working on gathering my work to publish, I should focus on stories from my life that no one can imitate and derive from those stories the life lessons everyone else already seems to have a handle on.  They'll be written conversationally, with twinges of humor, but hell, it's a popular style for a reason right?  Cha-ching!  So, I guess that's a goal.  Sort of.  Goals have timelines though, so that's the next step.  That or figure out another way to be independently wealthy whilst steering clear of pyramid schemes, black-market organ harvesting rings and drug-runners at the Mexican border.  Not again, Tito.  Not again.  

rainy sunday

As if we needed any more rain! Skipped church because I just didn't feel like leaving the house to face the torrential downpour. Slept in until 10:30 or so, woke up to Lola grumbling at me. She lets me know when 'sleeping in' turns to sheer laziness. Made coffee, took my vitamins and curled up on the couch for my Sunday ritual of watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's one of the only movies I never get tired of. You'd think watching it every Sunday would get old, but it doesn't. Was supposed to do some landscaping in the backyard with my folks today, but with the weather as it is, those plans have been foiled. I have a lot of computer work to do anyway, so if nothing else, I'll keep busy. I should get dressed now. If I don't, I'll stay in my pajamas all day. And we all know, nothing good will come from that. I need to sort out some boxes of Luigi's junk in the garage. I have milk crates full of marketing material that needs to be organized and put away. We'll see how much I get accomplished. If I stick to those two tasks (milk crates and computer work) I might be successful. If I add anything else to the list, NOTHING will get done. Crazy business. I need more coffee.

Rock Music, Pizza, Flood Gates and Pirate Golf

So, I had the best weekend ever! My musician friends Bill, Jamie, Ryan and Glenn (KC band It's Over) came down to play a show in Springfield on Friday night. All the local openers cancelled on them, so there wasn't much of an audience. We spent 30 minutes before the show busking on the sidewalk trying to drum up interest for the show. I got to play the tambourine and sing along, I felt very cool. Unfortunately, the busking didn't have a real effect on drawing people in, so when they started the show, they basically played to an empty room.

I, however, danced like a fool during the show, even though there were only like, 15 people in the whole venue (including staff). Afterward, we drove down to Branson and the boys crashed with me. They met Lola and fell in love, of course. It was so fun to have musicians in the house, Jamie and Ryan immediately took my guitars and started practicing some new material. It was heaven.

In the morning, Jamie and I were the first to wake up. We spent an hour or so drinking coffee and digging into a really philosophical conversation--then decided to talk a walk through the neighborhood with Lola and talk some more. Jamie and I are just sort of on the same page, you know? We think about things in the same way, and somehow it just puts me at ease. There's something very comforting about finding people who see the world in the same way you do.

We all went to eat at Luigi's and they got to meet CJ, Bailey and Michelle. They loved the food and gave CJ one of the new CDs as a thank you. We left the restaurant and went down to Table Rock Dam and Powerhouse, where the flood gates were open for the first time in like, 10 years! It was amazing to see. We spent an hour or so fooling around, smashing boulders, skipping stones and taking ridiculous photos. After that we went to play miniature golf at Pirate Adventure, it was hilarious and more challenging than we anticipated. We said our goodbyes and they left for Little Rock around 7pm. It was so fun to spend the whole day with them! I need to book them some shows in Branson so they can come down to visit again! Here are some photos from Saturday...