Foiled Again!

Yeah...totally skipped Friday. Whatevs. Intended to resurrect MUSIC FRIDAY but got sidetracked.

I started re-reading Traveling Mercies by Anne Lamott this week. It's one of my favorite books, but the last time I read it was years ago. TRAVESTY. Within the first few pages I remembered why I love this book and why Anne is one of my favorite writers. Her style is so easy and effortless. It reads like a friend talking to you from across the kitchen table.

The book is a non-fiction account of her journey to faith. As someone who struggles with faith (in everything) I've decided that it's a book I should read at least once a year to remind me that I am not alone. In the first part of the book (page 9) she writes,

"None of the adults in our circle believed. Believing meant that you were stupid. Ignorant people believed, uncouth people believed, and we were heavily couth. My dad was a writer, my parents were intellectuals...we were raised to believe in books and music and nature."

This bit resounds so strongly for me because I feel like a lot of the people in my life who consider themselves to be intellecutals exude this sentiment. Like being an intellectual and being spiritual are mutually exclusive. That opening yourself up to the possibility of a higher power is for the weak and naive. And really, I think that's sad. The arrogance of athiesm is something that athiests fail to see. To be so blindly sure, to claim to KNOW that something IS or ISN'T the truth, that God DOES or DOESN'T exist seems like a detour, it bypasses faith. To believe is to FEEL that something is true without having concrete evidence that it IS true. And I'm cool with that. Life is too short to be such a hardass about everything. I strive to live my life with joy and gratitude, to seek out truth and beauty in everyday experiences and to love everyone and everything as I want to be loved. I don't always succeed, but I'm trying. I think people who get so wound up about being right are missing the point. I'd rather be happy than be right. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm trying to live righteously. Tomorrow is promised to no one, and if my life came crashing to an end, I'd feel fine because I know that I figured out that I'm not supposed to figure everything out. Life isn't about what you know but how you live. How you treat people. How you treat yourself. Every day has the potential to be the best day ever and it might very well be your last. How will you spend it?

Technicality

Ok, so OFFICIALLY, I missed posting on Thursday. Only took me three days to break my let's-make-a-habit-out-of-writing-every-day pact with myself. Since I missed it by like, 22 minutes, I don't think it counts. I'm not counting it. Here's my post for the day, it's not really a post so much as a general request for all men with delusions that they can pull off 'skinny jeans' -- DON'T. Just...don't. I mean, seriously, nobody wants to see those chicken legs so just put them away. All it does is make me think how nice it would be to fold you up and put you in my pocket, and I can't respect someone like that. Also, I know it's super trendy and hipster to wear tight clothes paired with GIANT thick-rimmed glasses, but this is NOT 1987 and you are NOT an extra on the set of Golden Girls, so give up the dream, fellas. That's all for tonight. PEACE!

Thoughts on a Thursday

Sometimes I catch myself staring off into space--my head is not empty, it's overflowing. It's like my capacity to function is on lockdown while the spillway clears. I think too much. There's too much in my head. There are two ways of dealing with this--distract yourself with mindless things like videos of kittens on the Internet so that you don't have to deal with the chaos in your brain OR purge the chaos in some form of release. My release is writing but I don't seem to be drawn to it lately. John has given me some therapeutical assignments to vent my anger or frustration onto paper and I have been reluctant to do them. I think I'm afraid that if I really let go, if I really say everything I want to say the way I want to say it, something bad will happen. These assignments are just for me--no one else will see them. No one else will know the things I'm venting about, and yet I have procrastinated doing them for months. I have trouble letting go. I know this. I can see it. I can point it out. And the fact that I see it, know it, admit it and still cannot let go is my biggest challenge right now. I feel so stuck. I feel like I am about to burst, always about to burst and keep everything on lockdown, wandering around like a zombie because I'm afraid of being honest. I pray for balance. I pray that I can honor myself and grow and become decisive and independent while still holding onto my considerate nature. I want to find the balance between being selfish and selfless because I know that's where peace is. I want to take care of myself more and worry about others less. I want to stop being judgemental and putting labels on things and just live and be happy. I want to stop analyzing things and thinking so much. I want to start now.

Fall Becomes Winter, Winter Becomes Christmas!

So, I may be a little bit ahead of myself, but I think that's a good thing. Usually, Christmas rolls around and I haven't had a chance to plan or think or SAVE. This year, though, I have a little hoard of cash already tucked away, enough for all my holiday spending. I feel proud. I feel like an adult.

Yesterday, though, our family came to a decision of sorts. Given the current economic state of our country and seeing as people all over are struggling to make ends meet, we've decided to forgo the whole gift-giving part, except for the kids. Everyone will get a present for the kids, but other than that, there will be no presents. There will be family and togetherness and several potentially garish meals and of course, the Christmas Story marathon on TBS.

It has been suggested that next year we take what we would have spent on gifts for each other and give it to charity.

It simultaneously makes my heart swell and my inner-child throw a loud and elaborate tantrum. I mean, it reeks of the true spirit of Christmas, but it's also a swift kick in the teeth to a capitalistic tradition I've been mainlining for 28 years. So while intellectually, I agree with our NEW family tradition, I'm still processing it emotionally.

And what, you might ask, will I do with all my Christmas savings? An Alaskan cruise? A fancy robot vacuum? Tap-dancing lessons? Nah. I'll probably get my carpets cleaned and use the rest to pay my Home Owner's Association dues. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS!

general disappointment and too much food

had a bbq scheduled for tonight...prepped food for 10 guests, all of whom cancelled. even the ones who were definitely-for-sure-rsvp-yes coming with their kids. sitting alone with a soggy salad and four pounds of raw meat wondering why. i was half-tempted to go knocking on doors asking strangers to come to my lonely dinner, but instead i believe i'll chalk it up to experience and never plan for anything ever again. there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, but right now, i'm both. and it sucks and i'm angry and i think i should take Lola for a walk to clear my head before i start breaking things.