Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things Fall Apart

It's been quite some time since I posted on this blasted thing. Time is funny. So is circumstance. I know there is a laundry list of lessons I am supposed to be learning during this trying time, but things are moving too quickly for me to process or reflect. Every day I am overwhelmed by base, child-like emotions until I take time to step back and remember that none of this matters. None of this is real. Everything I'm feeling is a byproduct of conditioning and culture and a fictitious sense of righteousness. My disappointment keeps me from being free. I try to live by the Four Agreements. I tell myself that I am writing my own story. I seek a greater purpose. I want to live simply and without fear or expectations. I struggle with surrender. I have trouble letting go. Spiritual sickness breeds morbid unhappiness. I seek a way to be centered. I need to find a place to level out. It's lonely in my head with nothing but perverse ideas and twisted games of obligation to keep me company. Sometimes I feel like everything I've been coached to believe is a big, fat lie. How do you free yourself to create something new unless you cut all ties to the thinking that keeps you in bondage?

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