library quiet

somehow in the last god-knows-how-long i've become oblivious to how noisy life is. now that the tv is off, i find such solace in the silence. i went to the library in springfield today, and library quiet is a-whole-nother kind of quiet. it's so peaceful, especially surrounded by so many rad books. i brought home several, though there's no way i'll read them all by the time they're due back. i guess i was overeager. Anna Karenina by Tolstoy, Trust Me by Updike, To The Lighthouse by Woolf and The Rum Diary by HST. i love library books because the pages are crinkly and worn and dog-eared and smell like an old closet. i even like the noisy protective vinyl jackets, hinged with packing tape and littered with labels and barcodes. there's a feeling of solidarity knowing that hundreds of hands have held each page and turned them one by one. perhaps this is revealing too much, but i like to smooth each page softly with the palm of my hand before i read it. it's a creepy display of tenderness for an inanimate object, but whatever, it makes me happy.

now that i have all this time on my hands...

So, I got rid of my TV. I mean, it's still there, but when you turn it on, nothing happens. I can still watch DVDs, but I have liberated myself from reality shows, cable news nightmares and those godforsaken advertisements. It's only been a couple days, but I feel so much better already. I didn't really realize how infrequently I create a quiet space for myself. There is always some noise -- but now that the TV is off, I am enjoying much more silence than I did before. And while things are growing quieter (is that a word?) they are by no means completely silent. I am listening to a lot more music, and of course, making lists. Because the Mandy that everyone knows and loves would be up shit-creek without her lists. Also, as most of you know, my tastes change with the weather, so currently, here's the musical spectrum. I may look back on July of 2008 one day and say to myself, "What the hell was I thinking?" but for now, these are my faves (it's a long list, but my 'desert island' picks are at the top).

JULY 2008
Emjay’s Musical State of the Union

TOP FIVE ARTISTS (desert island):
Ryan Adams
Van Morrison
Stevie Wonder
The Beatles
Tori Amos

TOP FIVE ALBUMS (desert island):
Heartbreaker (2000) Ryan Adams
Astral Weeks (1968) Van Morrison
Stevie Wonder (1976) Songs in the Key of Life
The Beatles (1968) White Album
Tori Amos (1996) Boys for Pele

OTHER FAVORITE ARTISTS/GROUPS INCLUDE (in alphabetical order):
Aimee Mann
Ani DiFranco
Aqualung
Arcade Fire
Band of Horses
The Beach Boys
Beck
Ben Folds
Billy Joel
Bjork
BRMC
Bob Dylan
Bright Eyes
Bruce Springsteen
Calexico
Cat Power
The Clash
Coldplay
Colin Hay
Cursive
Damien Rice
DMB
David Bowie
David Gray
Death Cab for Cutie
Elliott Smith
Elvis Costello
Emmylou Harris
The Faint
Feist
Gorillaz
Guster
Howie Day
Imogen Heap
Indigo Girls
Iron & Wine
It’s Over!
James Taylor
Jane’s Addiction
Jay Clifford
Jeff Buckley
Jump, Little Children
Jeremy Enigk
Jimmy Eat World
Joanna Newsome
Joe Cocker
Joe Strummer and the Mescaleros
John Denver
John Mayer
John Vanderslice
Joni Mitchell
Jurassic 5
The Killers
Lauryn Hill
Le Tigre
Liam Finn
Live
The Long Winters
Manic Street Preachers
Marvelous 3
MC5
MGMT
M.I.A.
Modest Mouse
The Mooney Suzuki
Mountain Goats
Nat King Cole
Neko Case
New Pornographers
Nick Drake
Nikka Costa
Nina Nastasia
Nine Inch Nails
Nirvana
Oasis
Pavement
Pearl Jam
People in Planes
Pete Yorn
Pink Floyd
Pixies
PJ Harvey
The Police
Portishead
Radiohead
Rage Against the Machine
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Regina Spektor
REM
Rod Stewart
The Rolling Stones
The Roots
Rufus Wainwright
The Shins
Simon & Garfunkel
Sleater-Kinney
Sondre Lerche
Spoon
Sting
The Strokes
Sublime
Sufjan Stevens
Sunny Day Real Estate
Tom Petty
Tom Waits
Tracy Bonham
Travis
U2
Velvet Underground
Weezer
The White Stripes
Wilco
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Yo La Tengo

Sophie the Panda...

So, I think my parents' new puppy, Sophie, looks like a panda. To illustrate this point, here's a comparison. Please feel free to talk to your computer screen using ridiculous baby-voices.

Save me, Jeff Daniels!

Let me set the scene. It's morning. I'm standing at my kitchen counter, lucid but groggy holding a box of Post Raisin Bran. I set down the bowl, flip open the box and start pouring my cereal. Then, like a scene from ARACHNOPHOBIA, a live spider jumps out of the bowl, onto the counter and starts darting around. I scream, immediately, like someone has severed one of my limbs, and toss the box, cereal flying EVERYWHERE. My reaction was knee-jerk and irrational. I don't stay up at night terrified of spiders, but when I encounter one, I am paralyzed by irrational fear and start screeching. Why? I'm a million times bigger than this little thing. I think it's because they move so quickly. Is that technically arachnophobia or is it just natural? My nerves are shot for the day.

PUPPY!

So, my parents are getting a puppy! Cross your fingers that everything goes well and that they can pick her up next weekend. Here's little Sophie Marie!

Nashville

So, I haven't taken so much as a weekend getaway since my birthday trip to LA, and boy do I need one. Yesterday, my friend Nate told me he had tickets to go see Eddie Izzard play at the Ryman in Nashville on June 20th. Good for him. But wait! One of the tickets is for ME...so yay for me, too! It will be good to visit with Nate, who's been a constant confidante (sp?) since high school. If you want to be real about it, though--we've known each other since middle school chorus. It's weird, because I'm at the age where I've known my closest friends for more than half my life. I've known Nate since I was 11. That's like, 17 years. Holy hell. I'm getting old. But weekend roadtrips to Nashville make me feel young, so at least there's that. Here's a clip of Eddie Izzard...I can't freakin' wait. He's one of my favorite comics.

Summer, Wellness, Life!

SOOOOOOOOO...

I'm going through my annual get-my-shit-together period -- only this time, lots of things have fallen into place in a way that makes me feel motivated in a way i've never felt before. I'm back in therapy again, and John is a really great counselor, better than all the others, or maybe i'm just finally ready to listen and accept help to correct my disfunctions. here are some things that have changed or are changing for me:

1. I have realized that taking responsibility for my own happiness is the key to everything. it's time to grow up, stop the pity party, stop thinking of myself as a spectator and victim and hold myself accountable for my own actions and inactions. it's time to own the things in my life that I have control over.

2. I have a much clearer spiritual center and I'm learning to let go of the things I have no control over. I am learning how to forgive myself and others.

3. I have decided to educate myself every day. At some point, I stopped seeing myself as a student of life and started making wild assumptions and well, guessing, about what course I should take in chaotic or foreign situations. That's dumb. I'm trying to stop making assumptions, and instead, I'm trying to quiet myself, search for wisdom and if there is none to be found, go out and find some.

4. Similarly, when I don't know how to do something well, I am going to learn how. For work, this means reading lots of books on self-leadership and marketing -- two things that are REALLY FREAKING IMPORTANT to the success of my career, and two things that I have never studied before. I realized that I'm trying to do a job that I have no background in -- I never studied marketing or management or business, so I've spent the last two years flailing around in the dark pretending like I know what I'm doing and trying to keep my head above water. That's over.

5. I am realistic about my fitness goals. The only time I enjoy exercise is when it doesn't feel like exercise. This means that from now on, instead of getting burned out at the gym because I hate it there, I'm going to do things that bring me joy and are good for me, like: yoga, hiking with my dog, swimming and dancing. I am trying to love my body exactly as it is, and realize that if I want to be healthy, than I need to embrace fitness for the sake of my health and no other reason. My goal can't be to look like women in magazines, because I will end up living a life of perpetual disappointment. If I am healthy, and my body and weight stay exactly the same for the rest of my life, I need to love myself anyway.

6. I've been toying with the idea of returning to a vegan lifestyle, but I'm not ready for it yet. In the meantime, I've cut out most meats and will move forward from there. I'm not going to be a Nazi about it, because that's no way to live.

7. I'm spending a lot more time in Springfield and am going to take classes at the Skinny Improv to develop my comedy skills and see if I enjoy it.

There's more, but I am bored with writing this so I will stop.
LOVE LOVE LOVE!

-Mandy

Happy Mother's Day!

To all the moms out there--

Crack open a box of wine and enjoy your day! Here's a photo for everyone to enjoy...my gorgeous goddess mother, Virginia Lee. I love you, momma! You're just as beautiful today.

Lies, Lies and More Lies!

Confession time. I've been stewing about it all day, and I've decided to get it off my chest. I lied a terrible lie today. It was a random, horrible lie, and I don't even know where it came from. There was no real motive behind it, it just sort of happened. A creepy man started hitting on me at the restaurant. He hits on everyone, and I knew it was coming. He was asking me a bunch of questions, one of which was, "So...what does your husband do?" -- a leading question, and I knew he was waiting for me to say, "I don't have a husband." Instead, I opened my mouth, and said, "My husband died." Immediately, I was trapped. You can't say, "Just kidding," after something like that. You can't break character. You can't really, do anything. Except follow the lie into a swirling mass of followup lies to add substance and detail to the original lie. He apologized, and asked how old he was. I said, "35. Pancreatic cancer. It was devastating." At this point, my internal organs have begun to revolt against my body, not wanting to be in the same room with me. I don't even want to be in the same room with me. He apologized again, and started telling me about a friend of his who knew a guy who had cancer. Eventually, he took his seat and didn't say another word to me. I have been sick about it all day. I don't know what the f*ck compelled me make something up so hideous, but I did, and I can't take it back, and I dread seeing this man ever again for fear that he'll bring it up, and I'll be forced to either fall back into a terrible, pointless lie or own up to a heartless concoction. Meh, gross, ick. I need a shower.

Music Friday! Guilty Pleasure Edition...

Ok, so it's sort of a guilty pleasure, because American Idol is so cheesy, but I really like Carrie Underwood and her version of this George Michael song, PRAYING FOR TIME. Check it out!

Music Friday--Bleeding Heart Liberal Edition!

So, my friend Mary posted this on her MySpace page, and I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with anyone who actually reads this thing. It's powerful and inspiring and I can't wait for November. Enjoy!



"It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation. Yes we can. It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom. Yes we can. It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness. Yes we can. It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land. Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can. We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggest; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea -- Yes. We. Can."

general disappointment and too much food

had a bbq scheduled for tonight...prepped food for 10 guests, all of whom cancelled. even the ones who were definitely-for-sure-rsvp-yes coming with their kids. sitting alone with a soggy salad and four pounds of raw meat wondering why. i was half-tempted to go knocking on doors asking strangers to come to my lonely dinner, but instead i believe i'll chalk it up to experience and never plan for anything ever again. there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, but right now, i'm both. and it sucks and i'm angry and i think i should take Lola for a walk to clear my head before i start breaking things.

writing...

So, I'm currently reading "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert.  I am only a couple chapters in, and I find that I'm simultaneously moved and disappointed.  Moved because it is beautiful, simple, conversational wisdom that falls in line with EVERYTHING I believe about life and spirituality, and disappointed because I feel like it's a book I could have written, in very much the same style.  I guess my disappointment lies in the fact that it's taken me 28 years to finally realize that I don't really have any original ideas and that my writing style is not only popular but commonplace.  I guess if I want to start working on gathering my work to publish, I should focus on stories from my life that no one can imitate and derive from those stories the life lessons everyone else already seems to have a handle on.  They'll be written conversationally, with twinges of humor, but hell, it's a popular style for a reason right?  Cha-ching!  So, I guess that's a goal.  Sort of.  Goals have timelines though, so that's the next step.  That or figure out another way to be independently wealthy whilst steering clear of pyramid schemes, black-market organ harvesting rings and drug-runners at the Mexican border.  Not again, Tito.  Not again.  

rainy sunday

As if we needed any more rain! Skipped church because I just didn't feel like leaving the house to face the torrential downpour. Slept in until 10:30 or so, woke up to Lola grumbling at me. She lets me know when 'sleeping in' turns to sheer laziness. Made coffee, took my vitamins and curled up on the couch for my Sunday ritual of watching Breakfast at Tiffany's. It's one of the only movies I never get tired of. You'd think watching it every Sunday would get old, but it doesn't. Was supposed to do some landscaping in the backyard with my folks today, but with the weather as it is, those plans have been foiled. I have a lot of computer work to do anyway, so if nothing else, I'll keep busy. I should get dressed now. If I don't, I'll stay in my pajamas all day. And we all know, nothing good will come from that. I need to sort out some boxes of Luigi's junk in the garage. I have milk crates full of marketing material that needs to be organized and put away. We'll see how much I get accomplished. If I stick to those two tasks (milk crates and computer work) I might be successful. If I add anything else to the list, NOTHING will get done. Crazy business. I need more coffee.

Rock Music, Pizza, Flood Gates and Pirate Golf

So, I had the best weekend ever! My musician friends Bill, Jamie, Ryan and Glenn (KC band It's Over) came down to play a show in Springfield on Friday night. All the local openers cancelled on them, so there wasn't much of an audience. We spent 30 minutes before the show busking on the sidewalk trying to drum up interest for the show. I got to play the tambourine and sing along, I felt very cool. Unfortunately, the busking didn't have a real effect on drawing people in, so when they started the show, they basically played to an empty room.

I, however, danced like a fool during the show, even though there were only like, 15 people in the whole venue (including staff). Afterward, we drove down to Branson and the boys crashed with me. They met Lola and fell in love, of course. It was so fun to have musicians in the house, Jamie and Ryan immediately took my guitars and started practicing some new material. It was heaven.

In the morning, Jamie and I were the first to wake up. We spent an hour or so drinking coffee and digging into a really philosophical conversation--then decided to talk a walk through the neighborhood with Lola and talk some more. Jamie and I are just sort of on the same page, you know? We think about things in the same way, and somehow it just puts me at ease. There's something very comforting about finding people who see the world in the same way you do.

We all went to eat at Luigi's and they got to meet CJ, Bailey and Michelle. They loved the food and gave CJ one of the new CDs as a thank you. We left the restaurant and went down to Table Rock Dam and Powerhouse, where the flood gates were open for the first time in like, 10 years! It was amazing to see. We spent an hour or so fooling around, smashing boulders, skipping stones and taking ridiculous photos. After that we went to play miniature golf at Pirate Adventure, it was hilarious and more challenging than we anticipated. We said our goodbyes and they left for Little Rock around 7pm. It was so fun to spend the whole day with them! I need to book them some shows in Branson so they can come down to visit again! Here are some photos from Saturday...

Music Friday - March 14, 2008

Hello!

I am so excited about this installment of MUSIC FRIDAY! Below is a clip from my favorite KC band, IT'S OVER! They are such great guys and their music is unbelievably fun. It's influenced heavily by 50s and 60s dance music, with a modern edge. This video shows them performing their song "Hallelujah" live at The Outland in Springfield, MO last year.

FYI, they're playing at The Outland again, and very soon! Next friday, 3/21, be there or be square :) I'm pretty sure they're going to crash with me Friday night before driving down to Little Rock on Saturday. How cool am I? Very. The prospect of having some of my favorite musicians stay in my home is very exciting. I must tell Lola to be on her best behavior :)

They just finished recording their first full-length album, THAT GIRL, and I highly recommend it. You can purchase this fine record at Streetside Records in Kansas City, at one of their shows or by contacting the band. Tour and contact information is located on The Official IT'S OVER MySpace Page!

ENJOY THE CLIP!!!

Invitation by Shel Silverstein

INVITATION

If you are a dreamer, come in,

If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar,

A hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer...

If you're a pretender, come sit by my fire

For we have some flax-golden tales to spin.

Come in!

Come in!

-Shel Silverstein

From Where the Sidewalk Ends

my prayer

NOTE: I wrote this about a month ago, but abandoned it because it was all too much. I finished revising it tonight, and didn't really edit myself, just made it somewhat readable. If it resonates with you, please leave a comment!

***

I talked to god tonight for the first time, really, in at least 5 or 6 years. I wasn't praying. I was talking. Talking in a way that I don't talk to anyone else, even myself. Honest in a way that is completely pure, uncharacterized, genuine and knowing. I told him I was sorry for being gone so long. I realized that when I talk to god, I am consumed with a feeling of 'being myself.' This feeling—of being completely comfortable with who I am, not hiding, not pretending, not judging myself or being self-conscious, wearing no masks—is what it feels like to know god, to feel god's presence. Someone once said, character is who you are when only god is watching, and I believe that.

And so, I asked for forgiveness. I asked god to forgive me for being proud, for being too hard on myself, for not using my talents and compassion for a greater good, for my assumptions, for my angry words against myself, for gossip and bullshit and random lies and putting on fronts and for having felt like who I was, at any given moment whilst surrounded by his beautiful energy, wasn't absolutely perfect. I told him I was sorry for being selfish and foolish, making EVERYTHING all about me and slowly becoming a total Narcissist. I asked him to forgive me for not having faith in myself and the amazing power of limitless compassion. Oh, and I cried. I shook and sobbed and blubbered all over myself and let go in a way that seemed foreign to me.

I needed him to forgive me for judging myself. Forgive me for making myself feel guilty, when guilt is the emotion furthest from god. God would never judge me, even though some say he's the only one who can. I asked him to forgive my pettiness, my shortcomings, my wasted time and aimless pursuits. Forgive my laziness and distractibility. Forgive me for running from my problems. Forgive me for thinking I could do this on my own. Forgive me taking things for granted and not being grateful for every single breath. Forgive my self-sabotage and self-loathing and self-harm and self-consciousness…because if I was really paying attention, I would realize that I am but a single part of a greater good and to be so caught up in my small-time crap is a disgrace to the idea of working toward understanding. Forgive me for getting caught in my own head, for thinking and over-thinking about things that will not help me evolve. Forgive me for not trying harder to advance myself, and forgive me for the times when I fail to realize that TRYING is what's important, things don't have to be perfect, I don't always need to be in control and my best is good enough. I am good enough.

My life is worth more than the mess in my head that I can't seem to pull myself out of. So I need help. Help me, I asked. Help me forgive myself, help me be stronger in the face of adversity and setbacks and stick my chin out when before I would cower and retreat. Changing the way you think about EVERYTHING and embracing/cultivating the faith you should have in yourself and the universe is tough business. And as far as I'm concerned, I need as much help as I can get. I wanted god to help me make my journey as easy as I can on myself. Let me rephrase that. Rather, I wanted god to help stop me from making things harder on myself than they actually needed to be. Help me remember and be grateful. Help me remember every day. Help me be the change I want to see in the world. Help me live peace. Help me remember to take care of myself, to honor goodness and the earth and my fellow humans with my mind and my body, to quiet myself so I can listen and absorb.

All my sins and faults and stubborn grudges, overall badness and negative mental habits, take them all away. Take these 'sins' and wash them away, because I sure-as-shit don't want them in my life anymore.

When I got to thinking about it, I found comfort in the traditional Christian idea of forgiveness, which I never really processed before. The best part was when I realized that I didn't just want to be free of the mental and emotional side effects of these sins against myself, I didn't want to sin against myself in the first place. I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I don't want to be stressed out and anxious and moody and unhealthy. I don't want to make choices that take me down a path of doubting myself. I want to be strong and sure and at peace, and know that the choices I make come from a place of love and divinity and oneness with all the positive energy in the world. Help me be a better person, a stronger person, a more patient person, I asked. I don't want to make bad choices anymore.

And funnily enough, it all reminded me of a lesson my father tried to teach me as a child. He'd always say, "Don't just apologize. Don't say you're sorry unless you're never going to do it again." It seemed like such a mean and heartless thing to say at a time when I was young, vulnerable and trying to own up to my faults, but in hindsight, my father was trying to teach me about commitment. Words are not enough; you have to believe…in yourself. Be true to your word and always do your best. Live a life of goodness and compassion but don't, for the love of everything holy, beat yourself up when you falter, because nothing good could ever come of that.

And that's kind of where I left it. I don't know what to do with this, other than read it and re-read it to myself in hopes of it actually sinking in. That's all.

-mj

FUNNIEST. THING. EVER.

If you haven't seen this yet, watch it immediately.

Lola is FAMOUS (again)!

Lola made her second appearance on STUFF ON MY MUTT!  She looks none-too-pleased with that Jenga block on her head.