my prayer

NOTE: I wrote this about a month ago, but abandoned it because it was all too much. I finished revising it tonight, and didn't really edit myself, just made it somewhat readable. If it resonates with you, please leave a comment!

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I talked to god tonight for the first time, really, in at least 5 or 6 years. I wasn't praying. I was talking. Talking in a way that I don't talk to anyone else, even myself. Honest in a way that is completely pure, uncharacterized, genuine and knowing. I told him I was sorry for being gone so long. I realized that when I talk to god, I am consumed with a feeling of 'being myself.' This feeling—of being completely comfortable with who I am, not hiding, not pretending, not judging myself or being self-conscious, wearing no masks—is what it feels like to know god, to feel god's presence. Someone once said, character is who you are when only god is watching, and I believe that.

And so, I asked for forgiveness. I asked god to forgive me for being proud, for being too hard on myself, for not using my talents and compassion for a greater good, for my assumptions, for my angry words against myself, for gossip and bullshit and random lies and putting on fronts and for having felt like who I was, at any given moment whilst surrounded by his beautiful energy, wasn't absolutely perfect. I told him I was sorry for being selfish and foolish, making EVERYTHING all about me and slowly becoming a total Narcissist. I asked him to forgive me for not having faith in myself and the amazing power of limitless compassion. Oh, and I cried. I shook and sobbed and blubbered all over myself and let go in a way that seemed foreign to me.

I needed him to forgive me for judging myself. Forgive me for making myself feel guilty, when guilt is the emotion furthest from god. God would never judge me, even though some say he's the only one who can. I asked him to forgive my pettiness, my shortcomings, my wasted time and aimless pursuits. Forgive my laziness and distractibility. Forgive me for running from my problems. Forgive me for thinking I could do this on my own. Forgive me taking things for granted and not being grateful for every single breath. Forgive my self-sabotage and self-loathing and self-harm and self-consciousness…because if I was really paying attention, I would realize that I am but a single part of a greater good and to be so caught up in my small-time crap is a disgrace to the idea of working toward understanding. Forgive me for getting caught in my own head, for thinking and over-thinking about things that will not help me evolve. Forgive me for not trying harder to advance myself, and forgive me for the times when I fail to realize that TRYING is what's important, things don't have to be perfect, I don't always need to be in control and my best is good enough. I am good enough.

My life is worth more than the mess in my head that I can't seem to pull myself out of. So I need help. Help me, I asked. Help me forgive myself, help me be stronger in the face of adversity and setbacks and stick my chin out when before I would cower and retreat. Changing the way you think about EVERYTHING and embracing/cultivating the faith you should have in yourself and the universe is tough business. And as far as I'm concerned, I need as much help as I can get. I wanted god to help me make my journey as easy as I can on myself. Let me rephrase that. Rather, I wanted god to help stop me from making things harder on myself than they actually needed to be. Help me remember and be grateful. Help me remember every day. Help me be the change I want to see in the world. Help me live peace. Help me remember to take care of myself, to honor goodness and the earth and my fellow humans with my mind and my body, to quiet myself so I can listen and absorb.

All my sins and faults and stubborn grudges, overall badness and negative mental habits, take them all away. Take these 'sins' and wash them away, because I sure-as-shit don't want them in my life anymore.

When I got to thinking about it, I found comfort in the traditional Christian idea of forgiveness, which I never really processed before. The best part was when I realized that I didn't just want to be free of the mental and emotional side effects of these sins against myself, I didn't want to sin against myself in the first place. I don't want to be that kind of person anymore. I don't want to be stressed out and anxious and moody and unhealthy. I don't want to make choices that take me down a path of doubting myself. I want to be strong and sure and at peace, and know that the choices I make come from a place of love and divinity and oneness with all the positive energy in the world. Help me be a better person, a stronger person, a more patient person, I asked. I don't want to make bad choices anymore.

And funnily enough, it all reminded me of a lesson my father tried to teach me as a child. He'd always say, "Don't just apologize. Don't say you're sorry unless you're never going to do it again." It seemed like such a mean and heartless thing to say at a time when I was young, vulnerable and trying to own up to my faults, but in hindsight, my father was trying to teach me about commitment. Words are not enough; you have to believe…in yourself. Be true to your word and always do your best. Live a life of goodness and compassion but don't, for the love of everything holy, beat yourself up when you falter, because nothing good could ever come of that.

And that's kind of where I left it. I don't know what to do with this, other than read it and re-read it to myself in hopes of it actually sinking in. That's all.

-mj